Mexico Trades Ownership Of Cinco De Mayo For Exclusive Rights To The GoRuck Movement

MEXICO CITY- ‘Cinco de Mayo’, a day in which has come to be associated with rich, white women with botox and bad accents coming together to drink overly-sweetened margaritas and holler “Por favor” and “Gracias” to servers who speak perfectly good English, is now on the bidding table.

It seems as if the United States and Mexico are in agreements to trade Mexico’s rights to Cinco de Mayo in exchange for exclusive ownership of the GoRuck movement.

Mexican president, Enrique Peña Nieto, insists that ‘rucking’- a hobby which involves walking long distances with weighted backpacks- has been something the Mexican people have been practicing for decades.

President Nieto says, “You can keep the Cinco de Mayo, it’s an abomination at this point; we are embarrassed to be associated with the celebration of such ignorance. However, our  people have been stuffing shit in backpacks and walking insanely long distances way before gringos started paying to do it in an effort to see what it felt like to simulate discomfort or adversity.”

Nieto concluded, “To sweeten the pot, we will also throw in The Macarena and Mario Lopez. We think you deserve them.”