CrossFit Coach Claims Christ Scaled Crucifixion

BETHLEHEM, PA—David Ruckers, head coach and owner of CrossFit Sacrilege, recently drew criticism from Christian athletes around the globe for his claim that Jesus Christ scaled the Crucifixion.

As his 5:00 a.m. class warmed up and wondered if they would be struck by lightning, Ruckers argued, “Let’s face it, iron nails were the Holy Land’s elastic bands.  Anyone with a decent false grip and sufficient upper body strength should have strung some rings on that rig.” The “rig” to which he referred was the cross.

Later in the day, Ruckers attempted to calm the angry mob gathering outside his gym. Fresh off an unbroken set of 15 ring muscle ups, Ruckers offered evidence to support his claim.  Climbing atop a plyo box with outstretched arms and palms upturned, Ruckers displayed gory hand tears then pleaded, “Behold!  I too suffer the Stigmata!”

At this point, a female athlete, known only as Mary, struck Ruckers with a thirty-five pound kettlebell dislodging him from his perch, whereupon he disappeared into the angry mob amid a flurry of PVC strikes.

No athletes were available for comment on Rucker’s condition. However, one did note on the gym’s whiteboard that the thirty-five pound kettlebell toss should be scored as RX for Mary, the female assailant.