3 Dead, 7 Injured Due To Bad Batch Of Nipple Covers At 24-Hour Charity Race

MEMPHIS, TN- Three people were killed this weekend and seven more in critical condition after participating in a 24-hour race to benefit an international charity. A source close to the Dumbbell tells us that it appears as if there was a tainted batch of NipEAZE, the world’s most trusted brand of nipple covers.

NipEAZE,  a brand of nipple covers which is known for maintaining adherence for weeks at a time, is a product which women and portly men with voluptuous man-boobs have relied upon for years in the running community. It appears as if too much reliance on a product to care for such an important part of your body can prove deadly.

A witness at the event told us that one of the participants said, “It feels like I stuck my tits in hornet’s nest.” just moments before he fell out. Another onlooker claims that his brother told him, “If you took a DeWalt Drill and loaded it with a sharp, sandpaper bit, dipped it in alcohol, set it on fire, and drilled it directly into my areola’s it would be more comfortable than what I am experiencing right now.”- He died moments later.

Dr. Harry Rankin tells us that, “Few people realize that the male nipple is actually home-base for every single nerve ending in a man’s body. If it is rubbed raw, the pain associated with it is indescribable and cannot be compared to any other type of discomfort. There is actually an artery which runs just under the nipple that, if severed, will cause you to bleed to death.”

Dr. Rankin went on to say, “The real problem is not the bleeding-out as much as it is the long-term trauma associated with nipple chaffe. If a man rubs his nipples raw, when he washes them off in the shower, the pain is so great that most victims lose their sense of sanity; many nipple chaffers have to live their lives in a mental institution or are forced to just run shirtless on a trail, forever- unable to cope with the dealings of the everyday world.”

The Daily Dumbbell prays for the victims of nipple chaffers and hopes to see this worldwide problem abolished at some point. A few warnings to help avoid the problems associated with nip-chafe:

  1. Only buy NipEAZE from authorized dealers and never buy generic brands.
  2. Don’t ever let your nipple covers out of your sight, even if only momentarily.
  3. Do not, under any circumstances, share or re-use your nipple covers.
  4. If you are with someone who you think might be suffering from nipple chaffe, take them to a secure location with professional care before they attempt to bathe themselves. After hot water touches them, they might never be the same.