Ultra-Season Confirmed by Outbreak of Phantom Man-pains

Bartlett, TN

It feels as if fall is steadily approaching in the southeast portion of the country. In the running world, this is known as the beginning of “Ultra-season”. Ultra-season is a time where men and women gather together to run around for a long time, get really tired, possibly vomit and then post pictures of it on FB.

Prior to race-day there are thousands of male trail enthusiasts who get out of bed and are mysteriously plagued by the invention of a non-existent phantom injury which will potentially keep them from being able to participate in their planned event. Doctors have a hard time explaining the phenomenon, often citing nerves, anxiety, trauma or paranoia as the culprit. Lorrie Williams, world-renowned ultra-crewer and wife of Lonnie Williams says that the best way that she can describe it is “…being a big, overdramatic pussy.”

Lorrie tells us that Lonnie and other runners put their bodies through constant stress and perfectly healthy 100% of the time but the day before race day, the wheels start to fall off.

Lorrie says, “Lonnie’s first step outta bed on Friday morning before a race is always plantar fasciitis. He goes to take a leak and starts complaining about his back. Somewhere during the day, he will whine about some sort of knee pain that is due to an old high-school football injury that he apparently suffered while sitting on the bench every Friday night. Of course, now there is a sneeze and a cough which sends him into a COVID crisis. These ultra-men are giant tits.”

We asked Lonnie what he felt about the pre-24-hour trail disease that doctors commonly refer to as “Ultra-mela-dramatica-mangina-ism”. He told us that he did not know much about medicine but his calves were cramping and he felt like he had an ear infection. He asked us to take his temperature and look at a mole on his back.