COOKVILLE, TN — A development team within Baptist Health System thinks it has struck gold in Cookville, Tennessee. Next Thursday, the team plans to break ground on Baptist DocBox, a specialty hospital which will only admit CrossFit athletes.
Baptist COO, Martin Hillsaw, said, “Our team of developers is very trend savvy. They have carefully watched the expansion of the CrossFit Mayhem theme park as well as Mayhem’s forthcoming water park.” Hillsaw continued, “The number of foreign CrossFitters who keep moving to Cookville is astounding. They come from exotic places like California, Massachusetts, even Iceland. A couple more second-place finishes and Cookville will probably draw some Canadians.” Baptist DocBox plans to deliver top-shelf medical care to these athletes, even though they are in peak physical condition.
Business analysts, however, think the idea is a lark that cannot be profitable. At a recent press conference, an unidentified spokeswoman for the National Hospital Administrators Association asked Hillsaw a fundamental question, “What ailments will you actually be treating?” Hillsaw replied, “None. That’s the magic. These people don’t need treatment. For example, if a patient presents with symptoms of post-workout nausea, we simply give them a fist bump and tell them to take a rest day in our recovery room. CrossFitters will pay a premium for that.”
Hillsaw offered a similar explanation for DocBox’s planned unwillingness to prescribe actual medications. “We’ll have a ‘compounding pharmacy’ in the basement repackaging GNC supplements into medicine bottles and IV bags. Voila. It’s “prescribed”. CrossFitters don’t even know what that word means anymore.”
Despite the detractors, Baptist and Hillsaw plan to forge ahead. “You should see the stress test in our cath. lab. It’s Games-level.”