CrossFitters Really Hoping That This Functional Fitness Thing Is Real

CrossFit is like a religion to many people. Not unlike Christianity, there is a certain amount of faith required in its practice.

When CrossFit arrived to the scene in the late 90’s-early 2000’s, it promised with it functional salvation. The idea of being able to throw the ball with your kids, go on hikes in the woods, carry all of your groceries in one trip and have the ability to get on and off the toilet, unassisted, until you were one-hundred years old seemed like a wonderful thing.

The CrossFit community has blindly followed Greg Glassman and his prophetic vision of functionality up to this point, but lately there have been some mumblings of doubt within the community.

The problem seems to be that the only time that an avid CrossFitter can function is for their CrossFit class, one hour a day.

CrossFit athlete, Jim Wenchman, says, “Yeah, I have more mobility and a lot more strength but I’m too goddamn sore to do anything after I leave the gym.”

Sara Smothers of Ripped Tendon CrossFit says, “Do I carry all of my groceries in one trip? Hell no! I can barely lift my arms off of my sides. I click-list that shit and have my soft, cakey husband come get the groceries.”

Jeremy Wilson of CrossFit Nothin Else says, “I use to avoid throwing the ball with my kid because I was too fat; now I’m just too damn sore. But hopefully, one day, this CrossFit thing will serve some purpose.”

6-year CrossFit participant, Bob Leathers, says, “I have a 2-inch twisted rope mounted to my bathroom wall just so I can get on and off the crapper. I thought CrossFit was supposed to help with this problem, not accelerate it.”

No one can really know for sure if there is functionality after CrossFit but after four years of participating in the sport, I can assure you that there is no functionality while doing it. There is only pain and the only way to relieve temporarily relieve yourself from the pain is to go an expose yourself to more pain. I assume that nutrition and recovery could play a part but I’m not gonna risk it.