Local CrossFitter Receives McEnroe Honor

OLIVE BRANCH, MS — The trophy case inside the home of Olive Branch CrossFit member, Scott Hollis, contains a collection of odd things—bent barbell collars, tangled jump ropes with broken handles, and an impressive assortment of gymnastic grips Hollis has deemed unsuitable.  This menagerie is the product of the CrossFit-induced fits of rage for which Hollis has become internationally renowned.

“I’m a Games-level F bomber,” claims Hollis.  “Froning and Fraser should have the Fs in their names revoked. Those are my Fs. I own those Mother Fuckers,” Hollis boasted referring to the recent CrossFit champions.

Hollis’ virtuosity in the world of fitness, however, requires a close examination.  For example, his Fran time of 7:24 is wholly unremarkable until one realizes that it is punctuated with an impressive 237 F-bombs and other expletives.  Indeed, the extraordinary expletive-to-weight ratio in any Hollis workout strains accurate calculation. “And let’s not even talk about fucking muscle ups. Fuck!” a noticeably irritated Hollis said.

It is his innate ability to become engulfed in a Hulk-like rage during a workout that caught the attention of the John McEnroe Institute of Anger Management.

“This is a level of rage we really haven’t seen in an athlete since the heyday of McEnroe vs Connors back in the 80s,” said Drew Wommack, Director of Outreach at the institute. “Within this narrow niche [Hollis] is as good as Lebron, Gretzky, and Manning, which is all the more impressive given he is a middle-aged suburbanite.”

For that reason, Hollis received the John McEnroe Lifetime Achievement Award at the Institute’s Annual Gala in New Port Beach, California last month.  “It’s really an honor, remarked Hollis, “it’s a big fucking deal.”

The award, which is actually a bouquet of squeezable stress balls, now occupies a prominent place inside Hollis’ trophy case, right next to a crushed shaker bottle.