Sardis, MS- This past Saturday at the Dragon Fly Sprint sprint triathlon at Sardis lake a rogue participant who only identified himself as “Wildcat” caused quite the scene as he apparently became impatient while waiting for the event to start.
Witnesses tell us that Wildcat had been drinking quite a few beers while waiting for the starting gun and became increasingly antsy as the start time drew near. Participants tell us that he repeatedly smacked other triathletes in the rear-end and kept repeating the phrase, “If you ain’t first you’re last” before letting out a Ric Flair type of yell.
Anthony Lane, an experienced triathlete, said that Wildcat mentioned that his kids were in the car with no air conditioning so it was time to “Get things crankin up in this rumpshaker”.
No sooner than the race director could announce that the event would be starting in 3 minutes, Wildcat was reported as saying, “Fuck this. I got a tiger in my stomach that’s dying to be let out.” He then hollered, “Leeroy Jenkins” and took off running across the top of the water, never allowing his tri-suit to even get wet.
Upon running back onto the beach, completely dry from the swim, Wildcat stole someone’s road bike and took it immediately down a dirt trail riding a wheelie telling onlookers to “Get some” and threatening to open cans of “Whoop-ass”.
It was not long before Wildcat returned the bike with two flat tires, a bent rim, and a loose chain. He took off barefooted for the run portion and was the first person to return.
At the finish line, Wildcat snatched the first place trophy from the race director’s hand, grabbed the microphone and said, “Suck on that Sardis, Mississippi” before slamming it down, stomping his feet and saying, “Sexual Chocolate.”
Upon learning that there was no prize money at stake, Wildcat asked to borrow $5 gas money and directions to the nearest fireworks stand.