Assault Bike To Be Updated In 2019

Detroit, MI – Assault Fitness has just announced several updates to its popular Assault Bike for model year 2019. According to Director of Product Development, Gary Cail, the new model far surpasses the current model. For instance, Cail confirms the new bike will come with a pedal-power defibrillator as standard equipment.

Via a licensing deal with Trek USA, an optional “Trek Pack” will also be available for a slight up charge. “In light of how challenging the bicycle events were at this year’s CrossFit Games, the Trek Pack will include pedals, seats, and chains that are designed to fail at unpredictable and inopportune times to knock you off your leaderboard and add a true Games scenario to an already miserable Assault Bike experience.” said Cail.

Assault Bike representative, Cail, referencing Glassman’s announcement to radically overhaul the CrossFit Games in 2019, said that plans are in place to randomly program a self-destruct feature into about 80% of all the bikes in production. The number of bikes which will be destroyed will be comparable to the percentage of the hopes and dreams being crushed of the CrossFit Regional athletes whose lives are imploding around them as they pedal and push these god-awful contraptions to an end which will likely have no significance in the once competitive world of CrossFit.

Other improvements have been rumored, but not confirmed. For instance, rumors persist that Assault has partnered with Nokia to update the new model’s onboard computer and provide links to personal fitness trackers using A.M. radio as a send/receive connection. Similarly, insiders claim the display will also be upgraded to include 8 bit graphics.

Cail, however, flatly denies any expected improvements to the notoriously tiny and inoperable front wheels.  “Dragging those bikes around the gym is really part of every Assault Bike workout,” Cail stated.

Sales of the new model Assault Bike are expected to begin on Black Friday 2018. Athletes will surely whine and protest.