Celebrity CrossFitter Slices Finger Doing Banded Situps; Hires Prominent Local Attorney

Olive Branch, MS.- Celebrity Crossfiter, Paul Pinckley, has retained the services of well-known power attorney, Scott Hollis of The Hollis Law Firm, llc. after an injury suffered at his local CrossFit gym.

Paul claims negligence on behalf of Olive Branch CrossFit which involved a trip to the emergency room when Paul was doing scaled, banded sit-ups, at three-quarter speed, at the gym on Saturday.

After being questioned about the plausibility of his story, Paul recanted and claimed that he was actually doing upright, assisted, wall push-ups. When asked who was assisting him during his push-ups, Paul, again, changed his story and claims to have somehow sliced his finger doing box jumps.

Paul’s attorney, Scott Hollis, who has made his living by suing CrossFit gyms, claims that nothing is out of the realm of possibility when “You herd that many amateur dipshits into a room full of professional equipment.”

There are conflicting theories as to what actually happened:

One source close to the Dumbbell reported that “Paul’s domestic life can be rocky at times. His wife, Laura, has an outstanding reputation for being strong and encouraging but has also been known to unapologetically cut a bitch for stepping out of line.” Some speculate that Laura could have shanked her husband.

Another informant claims, “There was an open container of cake icing sitting on top of the refrigerator in the gym. The WOD was like 7 minutes long which is longer than Paul likes to power-through without fueling his machine. I think he dipped his finger in the cake icing and sliced it open after running it along the edge of the can.”

Hollis defends Pinckley by saying, “If blood is in the cake icing, then his finger had to have already been bleeding. My client was in a life or death struggle and needed something to elevate his blood sugar. OBCF should be grateful that Paul was so quick to react.”

Hollis says he is seeking restitution of a lifetime membership to Olive Branch CrossFit, valued at $80, along with the title to one of the gym owner’s car, “Assuming Brittney will fix her fucking bumper and remove that ghetto-ass LHRL sticker.”

Scott concluded, “It’s a miracle more people don’t end up decapitated at that circus show. However, if you are going to end up hospitalized, there is a pretty good group to keep you entertained. I don’t think any of the members are employed so they have lots of free time.”

We asked Hollis how the members were able to exist without employment. He informed us that, “Most of them live a gypsy lifestyle. They stay on a compound off of Pleasant Hill Rd with a full-size basketball court, over-sized waterslide, a ropes course, and a pond. I think their only real source of income is a mentally challenged, middle-aged member who dresses as a unicorn and tours the local hospitals and retirement homes.”

We have no reason to believe that this will be the last time that Olive Branch CrossFit will be featured in The Daily Dumbbell.