Not Satisfied With War On Fitness, Glassman Plans To Invade Russia

RASTENBURG, POLAND — Since the fitness putsch of 2007, Greg Glassman’s CrossFit has waged a relentless war against competitors that some have likened to a fitness blitzkrieg.  In recent weeks, however, Glassman has announced a new initiative: the aggressive expansion of CrossFit Health.

“We’ve already conquered NSCA and pseudo-fitness. CrossFit will reign for 1,000 years as the pinnacle of fitness.  To achieve its proper place in history, however, CrossFitters need more space for their fitness activities.  Therefore, it is imperative that CrossFit Health establish this space for all CrossFitters—our CrossFitnessraum” Glassman bellowed from a lectern festooned with CrossFit banners and logos.

At CrossFit’s European HQ, the new plan has been dubbed “Operation Barbellrossa.”  According to reports, CrossFit Health plans to launch its expansion eastward into Russia.

To lead the charge, Glassman has tapped Fred Paulus, former owner of CrossFit Stalingrad. Critics think the invasion is a classic blunder and find Paulus to be a curious choice.   Last Winter, Paulus’s own CrossFit affiliate failed to establish a lasting foothold in Russia.

Russian president, Vladimir  Putin, could not be reached for comment, but his foreign minister, Vyacheslav Molotov, replied with just one word, “Inconceivable!”