BOSTON, MA- The Center For Statistical Research Of Douchey Acting Dudes has released a report for the year 2018 as it pertains men who wear TKO shirts in the gym. The study originated in a Planet Fitness gym in the northeast when it was observed that while there were a fair amount of members who wore shirts to let people know that they are capable of knocking people out, technically, almost none of these members could be found using the leg machines.
Upon being awarded a grant to research the behavior of men wearing TKO shirts, Dr. Robert Moholland came up with the following statistics involving me ages 25-45 who wear a shirt which indicates that they have and will physically knock another person unconscious, technically.
Men with the letters TKO on their chest are:
432% more likely to skip leg day.
3X’s as likely to wear sunglasses in the gym.
1/10 as likely to have ever been in a physical altercation.
779% chance of never having worn a pair of boxing gloves.
60% greater probability of having a truck with a lift kit, tinted windows, and a sticker of a cartoon character urinating on something.
338% greater odds of having owned a Big Johnson Surf Board tee shirt at some point in their life.
7X’s more likely to live with his mom…who lives with his grandmother.
680% more likely to threaten to open a can of whoop-ass on you.
Dr. Holland goes on to suggest in his report that if you find yourself in a confrontation with a grown man in a globo-gym who is wearing a shirt which suggests that he can and will knock another person unconscious, technically, you should avoid him at all costs because he ain’t skeered, has lived with affliction, and is 6X’s as likely to quote lines from The Boondock Saints if controversy should arise.
