Ultra Trail Runner Comes Out Of Closet; No One Gives A Shit

MEMPHIS, TN- Local news and media outlets all scurried with excitement to break the story that John riddle, trail and ultra-marathon runner, has come out to the public and announced that he is gay.

Upon hearing the news of Riddle’s homosexuality travel through the trail and ultrarunning community it was clear that no one gave a shit.

We caught up with Von Ralls of Lift Heavy Run Long to ask his opinion on what he thought about sharing the trail with a real-life gay person. Von told us “I am, yeah man, like, whatever. That’s cool or something, I guess. I hope to see him at Tunnel Hill this year.”

Local newspaper, The Southern Conservative, was excited to get the sure-to-be strong reactions from other trail runners.

Endurance athlete, John Haversly, was asked if he knew that Riddle was homosexual. Haversly responded, “Frankly, I never thought about it. I didn’t think people still gave a fuck, at least not the ones who have been alive less than 80 years or aren’t Neanderthals with poor timing.”

Trail fanatic, Larry Peddleman, was quoted as saying, “Is a gay dude news? How many trail runners do you know? Jim over there is a drunk, Mike is a junkie, Jan has an eating disorder, Harry is a chronic gambler, Susan is up to her tits in debt, and Jeff is on parole. It’s not exactly the Tabernacle Choir out here.

There just ain’t enough rocks on this gravelly trail to cast at one another, so we just keep them in their place- it makes the run more enjoyable.”

Peddleman continued, “All that bullshit gets left at the trailhead. None of that matters out here. It makes no difference if you live in a mansion or out of your car; it’s all about making it from point A to B. It doesn’t even matter how fast you make it there. We are here for the experience, not to be judged or compared. ”

Peddleman concluded by saying, “If you are looking for the juicy drama, you picked the wrong sport. However, if you are looking for some extra miles, I have an extra water and a couple of Gu’s if you would like to join me. I could use the company. But leave your bullshit at the starting line, there is no place for it here. It’s a different world out here.”