CrossFit Coach To Be Arraigned On Terroristic Threatening Charge After “New Skin” Incident

JOHNSON CITY, TN (AP) – A recent incident at a fitness center in Washington County has landed one local resident in the hospital and another in hot water with authorities.

In his decade-plus stint as a CrossFit instructor, Brian Swinson has seen more than his share of cuts, sores, and festering wounds on the various appendages of his clients. In the past, Swinson, currently employed by Strong Like Bull CrossFit in Bulls Gap, TN, has used a motivational technique common throughout the fitness world for spurring on athletes suffering from cuts and sores. “Man, nothing will get somebody with a deep cut or tear to quit bitching faster than that little glass bottle of New Skin. Nothing,” Swinson explained. “Might as well be a bottle of concentrated sulfuric acid.”

The actual medicinal benefits of New Skin, which is basically a combination of super glue and weapons-grade antiseptic, have long been considered negligible, but its potency as a motivator is unquestioned. When asked to describe the burning sensation, Swinson responded, “Imagine dipping a Q-tip in Icy Hot and plunging it deep into your urethra… It’s worse than that.”

The power of the mostly useless product has never been more clear than today, after the hospitalization of Greenville resident, J. Paul Priestley. Witnesses present at SLBCF during the incident have offered consistent accounts. After sustaining a tear on his left palm on the pull-up bar, Mr. Priestley, despite not actually dying during the WOD, began to moan incessantly about the dramatic extent of his injury and how he could not continue to the squat snatches. Swinson, the coach on duty, reached for the New Skin and reportedly screamed at Priestley, “THE BARBELL OR THE BOTTLE!” It was at that point that Priestley collapsed and lost consciousness. He was admitted to Baptist Hospital in Johnson City, where an EKG revealed evidence of a cardiac event. After taking his statement, authorities returned to SLBCF, detained Swinson, and took the 0.3 Fluid ounce bottle of New Skin used in the alleged threat into evidence.

Even with its heinous reputation, there is currently no existing precedent pointing to New Skin’s use as an actual weapon. Questions have been raised by legal experts about the plausibility of a conviction for terroristic threatening under the law. When asked to comment on the case, Washington County Prosecutor, Scott Hollis, responded, “Fuck yes we feel this is a prosecutable case. Have you ever used that shit (New Skin)? It burns like the devil’s balls. I’d rather be shot or stabbed.”