TUPELO, MS- Sara Sutton is a 24-year-old employee at the local gym franchise “Anytime Fitness Center”. Like most millennials, Sara doesn’t give a shit…about anything.
Until last week, Sara had been performing in much the same fashion as every other employee at ATC- calling in sick twice a week, consistently arriving twenty minutes late for work and usually leaving thirty minutes early while having her friend clock her out.
According to her boss, Bill Jenkins, she was the model employee. Jenkins tells us, “Sara makes it a point to never speak to the members so she never says the wrong thing. She is almost never seen having sex in the tanning bed booths, which says a lot. And the only time that she has taken cash directly from the cash register she has admitted to it as soon as we showed her the video footage of the event.”
Sara’s average performance has been impressive, especially seeing as how unmotivated she is as a human being, but as of last Wednesday her near-actions resulted in her being named “Employee of the Month”.
Jenkins was jubilant to announce that there was actually an employee to qualify for this award, as rarely does anyone work there for a full month’s period. Mr. Jenkins summoned us into his office to show us video of his prize employee.
As the footage began, Mr. Jenkins pointed out, “Look at Sara as she gets off of Instagram and approaches the treadmill with a towel to sanitize the machine before she sees how fucking nasty it is and realizes that it is only going to get dirty again.”
Jenkins, skipping to another clip of Sara’s work, “And look at her as she goes to change out the trash bag, before realizing that it is really heavy and should probably lay down until someone stronger clocks in.”
And finally, “Watch as Sara assists another member as they tip the vending machine, agreeing to split the carcinogenic energy drink that is about to be expelled, free of charge.”
Mr. Jenkins concluded by saying, “This could be the start of something great. One day we might have employees who sincerely give a shit about their job and even try to help answer any questions that other members might have. It’s a long-shot but, in time, they might even greet folks as they enter and exit the facility, but for now, we are just glad to have them show up and Snapchat with their friends.”