ORLANDO, FL — The Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta has identified CrossFit Foreign Legion as the source of a recent outbreak of Legionnaires Disease.
CrossFit Foreign Legion is a small gym established in an un-air conditioned, former warehouse located near Disney World. The gym caters to out of town visitors known as “drop-ins”. To combat the oppressive Florida heat, the gym installed misting fans in May of this year.
“Many of our drop-ins are stunned by the Florida heat. Air conditioning makes you weak and part of our conditioning is the lack of air conditioning. These folks need to be prepared for pushing a stroller around a hot theme park all day,” said gym owner John Maurin proudly referring to the extra burden of his sweat-soaked workouts. “We installed the misting fans so Mr. Dad Bod would not fall out during a MetCon.”
The trouble, according to the CDC, is “The heat encourages legionella to grow in the un-chlorinated water inside the rarely maintained misting fans.” Maurin admits neither cleanliness nor preventative maintenance is his forte. The CDC’s Dr. Amanda Harris concluded the fans deliver the aerosolized contaminants into the heaving lungs of the suburban athletes. “Unfortunately, this is the perfect delivery system. It is terribly efficient,” said Harris.
Dr. Harris went on to say, “On top of the misting fans being a terrible idea, this place is an absolute shithole.”
Maurin defended his position by stating, “All CrossFit gyms are shitholes. Do you even lift, bro?”
As a result, former gym visitors in thirteen states have been diagnosed as having contracted Legionaries Disease at The ironically named CrossFit Foreign Legion. In response, the CDC has shut down the gym. When asked about the closure, Maurin shouted, “Rest Day!” and simply rolled down the gym’s garage door.