CrossFit Health Board Of Directors Votes To Make Zima And Jolly Ranchers Paleo

BOULDER CO.- The annual Board of Directors Meeting took place this past weekend with the intent of gaining clarity of the changes expected on the landscape of the new CrossFit Health movement.

We caught up with some of the members to discuss what topics were brought to the forefront. Edgar Ledville, spokesperson for the board,  told us, “We obviously have no fucking idea what is going on. Seems as if Glassman drank too much whiskey, ate some bad poultry, decided to fire countless media personnel, while threatening to up-end the CrossFit Games and then used CrossFit Health as the fall guy.”

Edgar went on, “We have stood behind this whole Paleo approach to nutrition- which we made up during an employee retreat in Disney World about ten years ago- for a long time now. It seems that people are bored with it so we decided to add a few things. The most common question we get regarding the Paleo diet is whether or not folks can drink Zima with the Jolly Ranchers inside.”

Edgar continues, “We could not find specific evidence to conclude with certainty that our ancestors did not drink Zima nor eat Jolly Ranchers, so we decided to give it the green light. We hope that this will stop some of the bitching that usually comes as a result of the Whole 30 Challenge.”

When we asked if there were any other exceptions made to the Paleo standards, Edgar said, “We all decided that Wendy’s frosties and french fries were ok as well, assuming you are really, really high…like super-high…like bong ripping hydro-high.”