CrossFit HQ Announces First Event In 2018 Games; Mass Exodus Of Athletes Ensues

GULF SHORES, AL- Waterville USA, one of Orange Beach’s most recognized water parks, is proud to host the first event of the 2018 CrossFit Games. As CrossFit has historically been touted as “Functional fitness”, it seems that CrossFit HQ is ready to put its style of fitness to the literal test.

Shortly after Dave Castro posted a bizarre Instagram shot of a crying baby doll lying on a stairwell next to a bottle of suntan lotion, the announcement was made.

Castro says, “The first event in the 2018 CF Games will be to spend an entire afternoon at the waterpark with two children under the ages of ten years old. You will be responsible for paying their way into the park, applying suntan lotion every two hours, carrying their tubes up the slides, feeding them, dealing with catastrophic melt-downs, and keeping pace with them on whatever slides they wish to ride for the entire 8-hour period that the park is open….all while pretending to have fun.”

Within ten minutes of making the announcement, every Games Athlete with children of any age had begun packing their shit and hauling-ass.

We caught up with a few of the athletes as they were sprinting to their cars:

Neil Grassman said, “Yeah, no. Fuck that. That’s suicide. 8-hours of stair climbing with whiny, greasy kids is too much. I’m not in that kind of shape.”

RayRay Bivens said, “CF has lost their goddamn minds. I would rather do triple Murph. There will be no survivors. This would be equal parts rhabdo, anxiety-attacks and heat exhaustion all wrapped up into one jumbo-sized melanoma.”

Sheila Winston was quoted as saying, “Mini-golf, maybe. An amusement park, perhaps. But there ain’t no fucking way that any of us are fit enough to chase these little bastards up three to four thousand flights of stairs in an eight-hour period. Not gonna happen”

Waterville’s CEO, Adam Mooseknuckle, even offered to pay the entry fee for each competitor into the park but by the time the announcement had been made the parking lot was empty and all of the athlete’s had joined local YMCA’s, established memberships at Planet Fitness or were actively enrolled in Zumba while looking for a more realistic brand of fitness.