Garmin Makes Offer to Buy Back Data of “Less Crappy” Athletes

For those of you who have been living under a rock or don’t happen to know an obnoxious fitnessy person, Garmin’s data is being held hostage by producers of ransomware, and the culprits are demanding, wait for it….$10 million.

A spokesperson for Garmin, Jane Kindachunky, told our sources that there has been an offer put on the table to buy back the data of the users who have a BMI rating of less than twenty-six and have a less-than-average chance of developing adult-onset diabetes within the next three years for $3million. Garmin estimates that this is about 4% of its current users.

While Jane acknowledged that this situation would be devastating to fitness fanatics from all over the world, she ensured us that there were contingency plans being put into place. For one, Garmin is willing to offer its users access to their platform and allow them to fill out their own data using the honor system. She also explained that Garmin will add decimals with lots of numbers and abbreviations that most people won’t understand to make it look more legitimate and allow people to feel like what they are doing is “something more important than just getting themselves out of breath and bragging about who does that the best”.

Kindachunky says there are many changes going to be implemented to win back the trust of their athletes and kinda fit folks. Just one example of an olive branch extension is going to be the implementation of a new font specifically designed for fat people which is guaranteed to make their times look a little more impressive and even project a hologram type effect which will make it difficult to tell whether the seventeen-minute mile is actually twelve. Jane adds that this font will only be made available to the XL individual, which will not only provide exclusivity but give skinnier athletes a goal to work towards. Fat font users will be provided with a badge because Garmin is fully-aware of how important those things are.

We here at the Dumbbell could not be more excited about the open honor system data exchange and Fat-Font 2020.

Stay tuned.