Local Endurance Athlete Bitches His Way Into Exhaustion

Photo by Random Institute on Unsplash

-Sandy Springs, GA

Local endurance athlete Dale “sheep” Hearder was hospitalized this week after falling off of his soapbox because of a serious bout of fatigue.

Dale has been perched proudly atop his pedestal of non-conformity for a little over two months now all the while complaining about the nation’s state of affairs. It seems as if Sheep Hearder has created his own endurance event where the goal is basically to bitch and complain about the actions of others as long and loud as possible.

Onlookers say that the grumblings began when Dale felt that the government was taking away his God-given right to perform CrossFit and eat at Applebees. The anger then turned towards the suggestions of wearing a mask in public places. Somewhere along the way, the lines blurred into anger directed at protests and the Black Lives Matter movement.

Local resident, Mary Safely, told sources that he kept pleading people to “Listen to me you bunch of sheep, stop listening to what people tell you to do. Don’t you clowns understand what I’m telling you to do? Stop doing what people tell you to do. Do what I am telling you to do. Stop doing what people tell you to do. Do what I tell you to do.”

It seems as if Dale got caught up in a big messy, hypocritical anger-loop which caused him to derail into a tailspin which rendered him unable to use logic or empathy. As a result, he also forgot to take in electrolytes and fluids which eventually led to dehydration.

At press time, Hearder’s FB live feed had been abandon but did have 12 views, 3 likes and a couple emoji’s.

We should commend Dale on his activism and heroics by way of social media and name-calling. The world is better because of it.