Mississippi Man “Just Not Cut Out For Being Healthy”

SOUTHAVEN, MS.– As Paul Perry and Chris Pinckley ordered their appetizers and meal at the local steakhouse, they began to discuss their current avenues of nutrition. They, like many of us, spend a lot of time in the gym but haven’t quite mastered the nutritional portion of it.

Perry, a strict keto man, with LDL cholesterol of about 220, blood pressure of around 160/98, and breath that could knock a buzzard off a gut wagon exclaimed, “It’s all just a pain in the ass really. The benefits of eating right are short-lived and barely noticeable after you do it for a while. There have been studies which indicate that eating properly really has no bearing on your health. My friend told me that he read that and he is really smart- he fertilizes lawns.”

Pinckley, who pays a nutritionist $200 a month to give him information he already knows regarding eating foods that he is not going to eat says, “I just have a hard time finding a nutritionist who can work with my macros, I don’t think I am cut out for a healthy lifestyle. It’s just not for me. It’s not in my genes. We are not all born to run but we are all born to die.”

Upon delivery of the appetizers, Pinckley, clearly agitated, impatiently gestures to the waitress to take a closer look at what is frustrating him. As Pinckley points to his breaded cheese stick leaning against his tiny bowl of ranch he educates the waitress, “Ma’am, if the cheese stick can’t stand upright, independently of the sides of the bowl, your ranch is not thick enough. You must liberate the cheese stick.”

Pinckley apologized for the distraction and went on to say, “It took me almost 43 years to finally reach this moment of clarity. I finally understand that I was just not meant to eat healthily, most of us aren’t. Until there is more data to support that eating healthy is good for you, I think it is safest to eat what your body craves naturally, like Pop-Tarts and shit.”