Twelve Members Dead As CrossFit Coach Scrolls Social Media

MILWAUKEE, WI- Charges are yet to be filed pending the investigation of coach Larry Templeton of CrossFit Open Sore.

It seems as if Templeton made a mistake while programming the timer for his 8:30am class and accidentally set it for 1200 minutes instead of the intended 12-minute WOD.

At approximately 3:30pm, officer Yoakum of the Milwaukee police department was doing a routine drive through when he saw an unusually large number of CrossFitters laying on the floor, unresponsive.

Officer Yoakum tells us, “It’s not unusual to see CrossFitters flailing around on the floor and on occasion I think that many of them die, at least briefly, but twelve bodies sprawled out across the floor seemed a bit odd.”

Yoakum says that when he approached the gym, the coach was leaning over a couple of boxes while scrolling through social media and starring at his phone, mundanely repeating such phrases as:

“Just keep moving”

“You are doing great.”

“Almost finished.”

“Great Job.”

“You can do it.”

“Looking strong.”

“Don’t stop.”

CrossFit coach Templeton defended himself by saying, “This was simply an error in clock management, not homicide or negligence. As a CrossFit coach, my job is to babysit grown adults and pay them compliments, that’s it. I was just doing my job and maybe I was just doing it too well. My only crime is that I was caring too much for too long.”

Templeton continued to plead his case and left us with the following: “There is nothing that says I am supposed to watch over the members or teach them anything. CrossFit is about herding cats and paying compliments. It’s basically just a highly unsanitary daycare. Besides, I’m a CrossFit coach- number one priority is social media. How can I expect these athletes to be successful if no one gets to see it on the interwebs.”

As our reporter for The Daily Dumbbell was leaving the scene, Templeton told him, “Great job today. You’re looking great. Keep it up. Just keep moving.”