USA Triathlon Imposes Penalties For “Acts of Humility”

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO- James Gonad, public relations director for the USAT, announced earlier this week that the sport of triathlon would be implementing official rule enforcements to what has historically been referred to as “Generally accepted principles of triathloning.”

According to Gonad, “In 2019, we will begin imposing penalties for any acts of humility seen during any one of our sanctioned events.”

It is no secret that triathlons are full of some of the most self-centered and egotistical people in the world and it seems that the USAT would like to keep it this way.

An unidentified spokesperson for the USAT told us, “There has been an uptick in so-called athletes saying things like ‘please’ and ‘thank-you’ at some of our aid stations. Hell, we even had a guy hold a door open for someone as he was exiting the porta-crapper. This is a sport based on self-righteousness; there is simply no place for graciousness or humility.”

While it is true that it is hard to be humble while wearing tights, clip-ready biker shoes, and a long-tailed aero helmet, we asked Gonad if maybe the future of triathlons would possibly explore the benefits of adopting a culture of inclusivity and gentility. His response was, “I highly doubt it. These guys have a long road to travel in order to make up for the lack of athletic success that they achieved in high-school, there simply is no time to be anything other than serious when you are covering your Couvre in a silicone swim cap and staring through the lenses of prescription swim goggles. Amateur triathlons are serious shit.”

James Gonad concluded our visit with him by saying, “There is only so much policing that we can do with our resources. Things like HGH, anabolics and other PED’s can be overlooked but acknowledging the existence of other human beings within your personal space or the appreciation of someone else’s time to help volunteer for these events will be strictly enforced. It’s all about each individual carrying themself as if they are the greatest athlete on the planet to never accomplish much athletically.”